Toxic Friends 101: How To Recognize and Deal with The Snakes
Humans are social beings. Our compadres have the power to subtly – usually, unintentionally – influence us. Most importantly, their companionship can affect our mental health. Hence, surrounding ourselves with good people is essential for peace of mind. However, unlike our mothers, not many of us are gifted with the true sight to filter out the snakes from the OGs. But mastering the art of recognizing the fakers is not that difficult. You just need to look out for some key signs of their toxic nature and leave on encountering them. Keep reading to learn all about Toxic Friendships, their influence and how to deal with them. Here’s a quick lesson on Recognizing Toxic Friends and their Effects:
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Me, Myself and I
Friendship, at its core, involves a quid pro quo of listening, being empathetic, and giving thoughtful advice. The toxic friends, however, swing around this rule. To them, every minute not spent talking about them is a minute wasted. A majority, if not all, your time together is spent discussing them and their lives. On a rare occasion, if they do listen to you, they will look for openings to turn the spotlight back on them. At the end of the day, you’re left feeling insecure from listening to their brags and filled with a sense of loneliness.
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Your accomplishments = their jealousy
It is okay to feel proud of yourself for your accomplishments, even with all the modesty in the world. You hustled hard, you deserve it. However, your achievements are nothing but a tall, green drink of jealousy for your toxic friends. With their Bramhastra of Passive Aggression, they will belittle you and dismiss your victories. Ultimately, a space meant to be filled with smiles and encouragement from your friends starts feeling unsafe.
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They just want attention, they don’t want your heart
Drama is a popular trend among toxic people. New Bollywood-like theatrics pop up in their lives every weekend and demand your utmost attention. Sympathies are galore! Not from them, from you! Their company drains your energy. Soon you start dreading meeting them and start googling about toxic friendships *winky-face*.
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I’ll (not) be there for you
As you may have noticed by now, toxic friends follow a pattern designed to keep all the attention on them. Hence, anything that doesn’t abide by this rule, is simply not important to them. This includes the happenings and troubles of your life. Life drops lemons on everyone. But making lemonade is not an isolated process. Cheers and kind words from loved ones add the sweetness needed. None of which you’ll receive from your toxic friends. Simply put, unlike Monica, Chandler, Joey, Pheobe, Rachel and Ross, they will not be there for you.
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“I was just joking”
In their quest of making them feel better about themselves, toxic friends cross a new boundary by making jokes about you. However, these “jokes” clearly make you uncomfortable but the snakes remain unbothered. And when your concerns are voiced, a clear alibi is established – “It was just a joke”. This is extremely dangerous for your mental health as you could start experiencing insecurity and end up gaslighted.
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Never Good Enough
Here’s a good thumb rule for the rest of your life: If someone is always unsatisfied with you and keeps on suggesting changes to “improve” you, they’re probably toxic. Whether or not you are satisfied with yourself, or if you asked for their advice, does not matter. Because you will never be good enough for them. This could also be a way of them feeling better about themselves by putting you down. However, it would only result in a strong hit on your self-esteem and confidence.
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Secrets, secrets
Letting someone in on intimate information displays humongous trust. When you tell someone a secret, the recipient does not get to decide it’s worth. You declared it a secret, so it’s a secret. Yet, if your friend betrays the sacred confidentiality and makes your secret public knowledge, they disclose themselves as untrustworthy. And when they do this, run like the wind. Run fast, run far.
These are some of the major red flags that everyone should look out for in people around them. And when you see these flags waving all around by them, it’s time to moonwalk right outta there. But some relationships are a bit more complicated than that. Simply cutting toxic people out of our lives is not always an option. However, do not let that be the reason to continue being a doormat. Here’s How To Deal with Toxic Friends:
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Become The Thinker
At a calm, peaceful time, sit down and think. You have managed to figure out that these people are definitely taxing for your mental health. You may have spent some genuinely good times together, which makes it difficult to just close the doors on them. Hence figuring the dynamic of your relationship out is important. Think about if it is possible to completely cut them off? Do you want to cut them off? If not, then do they deserve a second chance? What do you expect from them during this second chance? Answer these questions before moving to the next step.
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Lakshman-Rekha
If you have decided to keep them in your life, you need to set limits. Confront them about their behaviour. Let them (and yourself ) know that it hurt you and you don’t deserve to be treated like this. Going forward, you will not tolerate the invasion of your boundaries. Confrontation is not the easiest thing to do, but it is necessary. It is possible that these people were completely ignorant about their actions and could use this as an opportunity to become a better person. However, remember: forgive, not forget.
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Social Distancing (even after the pandemic)
Should the plan of communication result in fake promises of betterment, or maybe not even that, it is clear that your relationship with them cannot be amended. And you must now bid goodbye. If running into each other is unavoidable, start slow. Reduce your online contact. If your close-knitted group involves them, inform the trustworthy about your decision and your reasoning. With their support, you can gradually work on drifting apart from the toxic relationships.
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Tread lightly
If your second chance plan is actually working out, and you see improvement in their behaviour, AWESOME! You now get to keep your friend, minus the toxicity! However, remember to tread lightly as a relapse could result in damaging your peace.
With that, you have now mastered the art of recognizing and dealing with toxic friendships! Here’s a quick bonus tip:
#IMPORTANT TIP: Toxic people are unavoidable in all walks of life. They could be anyone from your family to your colleagues. But here’s an important point we all ignore: It could be YOU too. Make sure that you do not employ any such sign of toxic behaviour. If you have been doing so and just noticed, do not worry. Take this opportunity to become a better, kinder person to everyone around you.
No one can be the kindest person ever. It is the desire to be them that makes you a good person.
Have you met any such toxic people? How did you deal with them? Let us know in the comments below!
Here is an article to find out whether your Friend is a Bully-
Here is How you can Help your Friend going through an Anxiety Disorder-
Anxiety: How to Talk to and be Supportive of Anxious Friends
