Anxiety: How to Talk to and be Supportive of Anxious Friends

Anxiety is your body’s natural response to stress. It’s a feeling of fear or apprehension about what’s to come. The first day of school, going to a job interview, or giving a speech may cause most people to feel fearful and nervous. But if your feelings of anxiety are extreme, last for longer than six months, and are interfering with your life, you may have an anxiety disorder. In this article, we will first define anxiety and then conclude on how to talk to and be supportive of anxious friends.

What are Anxiety Disorders?

It’s normal to feel anxious about moving to a new place, starting a new job, or taking a test. This type of anxiety is unpleasant, but it may motivate you to work harder and to do a better job. Ordinary anxiety is a feeling that comes and goes but does not interfere with your everyday life.

In the case of an anxiety disorder, the feeling of fear may be with you all the time. It is intense and sometimes debilitating.

This type of anxiety may cause you to stop doing the things you enjoy. In extreme cases, it may prevent you from entering an elevator, crossing the street, or even leaving your home. If left untreated, the anxiety will keep getting worse.

Anxiety disorders are the most common form of emotional disorder and can affect anyone at any age. According to the American Psychiatric Association, women are more likely than men to be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Find out at the end on how to talk to and be supportive of anxious friends.

What are the types of anxiety disorders?

Anxiety is a key part of several different disorders. These include:

• panic disorder: experiencing recurring panic attacks at unexpected times. A person with panic disorder may live in fear of the next panic attack.
• phobia: excessive fear of a specific object, situation, or activity
• social anxiety disorder: extreme fear of being judged by others in social situations
• obsessive-compulsive disorder: recurring irrational thoughts that lead you to perform specific, repeated behaviors
• separation anxiety disorder: fear of being away from home or loved ones
• illness anxiety disorder: anxiety about your health (formerly called hypochondria)
• post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD): anxiety following a traumatic event

What are the symptoms of anxiety?

Anxiety feels different depending on the person experiencing it. Feelings can range from butterflies in your stomach to a racing heart. You might feel out of control like there’s a disconnect between your mind and body.

Other ways people experience anxiety include nightmares, panic attacks, and painful thoughts or memories that you can’t control. You may have a general feeling of fear and worry, or you may fear a specific place or event.

Symptoms of general anxiety include:

• increased heart rate
• rapid breathing
• restlessness
• trouble concentrating
• difficulty falling asleep

Your anxiety symptoms might be totally different from someone else’s. That’s why it’s important to know all the ways anxiety can present itself.

Coming to the main point of this article:  A unique kind of awkwardness blossoms each time we tell someone “I have an anxiety disorder.” This holds true no matter the scenario: Divulging my condition to my supervisor, say telling a friend I’m having a panic attack while we’re at a concert, or clueing in a new romantic partner. It’s fair for me to say “Anxiety is normal and healthy. It keeps us safe and motivates us; It only becomes a problem when someone becomes overly anxious and it interferes with daily life.”

Anxiety Disorders are one of the most common types of mental “illness”– and with the pandemic, it’s on the rise.

With all of the above in mind, here’s how to talk to and be supportive of anxious friends.

Don’t say: ” I know what you mean. I had a panic attack when I saw my salary cut to 50% due to the Pandemic.”

Panicking about the side-effects of payslips and salary slug can’t magically increase your salary. Panicking about taking a bus because you’re afraid of having a panic attack on the said bus doesn’t. There’s a difference between the uncomfortable but rational anxiety we all get in stressful situations and the sometimes paralyzing but illogical anxiety super anxious people get in situations that aren’t actually stressful or threatening. People with anxiety disorders experience anxiety over things others wouldn’t and with such intensity that it interferes with our ability to function and do things we enjoy. So unless you have a diagnosable anxiety disorder, comparing your anxiety to someone else’s isn’t helpful.

Instead say: “I’m always here for you.”

You don’t have to understand what your friend is going through to be there for them. Showing you care will help if your friend is self-conscious about their anxiety or has a hard time opening up about it. Listen without judgment to what they have to say and what their experiences are like.

Don’t say: “Have you tried meditation/yoga/[insert some other wellness trend here]?”

Meditation and yoga and deep breathing and all of the other anti-anxiety trends that have taken pop culture by storm might be helpful for some people, maybe even your ultra-anxious friend. But they might not. Extreme anxiety can feel consuming, which means that small things like taking a few deep breaths might not be enough to counter panic at the moment. Everyone with anxiety has different relaxation techniques that work for them—and some people need to do something active, like go for a run, instead of sitting and breathing. Don’t offer unsolicited advice unless you’ve been trained to treat people with anxiety disorders or you have one yourself.

Instead say: “What can I do to help you?”

If your friend has been dealing with anxiety for a while, chances are they already know what does and doesn’t help them feel better. Ask what they need and then do it, even if their request seems silly to you. (Like that time I asked a friend if we could just not talk at all until I calmed down. Sorry, friend.) Showing you’re willing to offer assistance helps us anxious folk feel like we’re being taken seriously.

Don’t say (for the nth time): “Are you OK?!”

If your friend told you they’re feeling super anxious, they clearly are not OK. Constantly asking them for a status update can make them feel pressured to get better now. When we see someone we care about suffering, our instinct is often to try to fix it. But some things, including anxiety, can’t be fixed by outsiders.

Instead say: “Let’s go to a quieter place or go for a walk.”

If you want to try to help your friend get out of anxious mode (and you know them well), you can try grounding them back in reality. It makes people hyper-focused on the thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations that are causing them distress, so to get your friend’s mind off of those things, ask if they want to take a walk, listen to some music or go to a quiet corner. Sometimes we need a supportive push to help break us out of our vicious cycle of panic and panicking about panic. Techniques like this are similar to what trained psychologists and therapists use as part of cognitive behavioral therapy, the gold standard of treatment for people who have anxiety disorders.

Don’t say: “Why aren’t you seeing a therapist/on medication?”

There’s nothing wrong with showing concern for a friend, but be careful it doesn’t come across as accusatory. Suggesting your friend should be doing something can create a sense of shame if they aren’t, or make them feel like they’re being judged. If they do need to see a counselor or take medication, those are decisions they need to make on their own and at their own pace.

Instead say: “I’ve noticed you’ve been anxious a lot lately, and I’m concerned.”

If you notice your friend getting more and more anxious and you know they haven’t sought any kind of professional help, it’s OK to express your concern if it comes from the heart. Focus on how you’ve seen the anxiety change them: maybe they aren’t going to concerts anymore even though they used to love live music, or they haven’t been socializing as much and you’re worried about them being lonely. If they’re open to getting help but feel overwhelmed, offer to do some research on good therapists or to wait for them in the lobby during their first appointment. Remind them that it is treatable, even without medication, and that this isn’t something they have to fight alone.

If someone confides in you that they’re feeling anxious or having a panic attack, the most important thing to remember is that the feelings—and telling you about them—is a big deal. It takes trust to show that kind of vulnerability. Listen and respond in a way that doesn’t minimize their experience.

Lastly on…how to talk to and be supportive of anxious friends

Even if you can’t take your friend’s anxiety away, showing support can help them feel more comfortable and take away some of the stigma that compels them to hide—which is a pretty amazing thing to do for someone you care about.